TPF Pic n Mix

[Suffolk biker]

thieving gits !

********G ****HOLE'S I'M GONNA FIND YOU!!!!!
I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas too! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!!
They've taken everything. it's all gone! I'm waiting for the police!
The dirty rotten thieving ******ds. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?
You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!...... .......
That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates!!

[Suffolk biker]

Last Saturday the wife and I went shopping in Harrods

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woopsie', and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?
*
*
*



He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

[Suffolk biker]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room....

[Smeggypants]

[Algi]

These are very funny

[Suffolk biker]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh!t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh!t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

[walkeja]

Paddy was on holiday in New York for the first time. He was wandering around the streets marvelling at the skyscrapers when he turned a corner to see one with the fifth floor on fire.
He stood on the pavement below the fire and shouted up, "I'm Patrick Michael O'Connor the greatest fireman in all of Ireland. If you jump out I will catch you."
After five minutes a woman decided it was better to jump to her death than be burnt to death. She junped and Paddy caught her. A man saw this happen so he jumped as well and Paddy caught him. A black man then jumped and smacked into the pavement and died.
Paddy shouted, "Not the burnt ones, only the living."

[Smeggypants]

[Algi]

I'm not used to laughing so much at 8am in the morning

--

[Suffolk biker]

When I was a little boy I would take a tooth out of my mouth, go to sleep and when I woke up I'd discover the tooth fairy had left me money.

Today, I go to sleep, the dentist puts a tooth in my mouth and I leave him money when I wake up.

[Smeggypants]