TPF Pic n Mix

[Suffolk biker]

thieving gits !

********G ****HOLE'S I'M GONNA FIND YOU!!!!!
I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas too! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!!
They've taken everything. it's all gone! I'm waiting for the police!
The dirty rotten thieving ******ds. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?
You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!...... .......
That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates!!

[Suffolk biker]

Last Saturday the wife and I went shopping in Harrods

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woopsie', and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?
*
*
*



He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

[Suffolk biker]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room....

[Smeggypants]

[Algi]

These are very funny