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Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 9:18 pm
by Suffolk biker
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What couldpossibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 9:38 pm
by Derek897
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
should be Gardai though, not constables, we dont have constables :) :) :)

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 10:57 pm
by Smeggypants
:rofl: :rofl:

Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:33 pm
by Suffolk biker
Middle age texting codes.

ATD -at the doctors.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on.
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
OMSG -oh my! sorry, gas.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder.


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:49 pm
by Suffolk biker
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will"

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 4:15 pm
by Smeggypants
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 4:26 pm
by Derek897
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:47 am
by Suffolk biker
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture

in Northern Minnesota, took a

lightning-quick kick from a cow...

right in his crotch. Writhing in

agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he

took himself to the doctor. He

said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm

going on my honeymoon next veek

and my fiance Lena, is still a

Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll

have to put your willy in a splint

to let it heal and keep it straight.

It should be okay next week, but

leave it on dere as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors and

formed a neat little 4 sided splint

and taped it all together...quite an

impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena,

married her and they went on their

honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped

open her blouse to reveal her beautiful,

untouched breasts. She said: “Olof..

you're the first vun! No vun has

EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants

and replied: “Look at dis Lena ....still in

DA CRATE!”

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:54 am
by Suffolk biker
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take? I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without missing a beat he says, Worked for your bottom, didn't it? He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:02 am
by Suffolk biker
Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
...
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:08 am
by Suffolk biker
My missus said if I look at one more porn site again, she will ram my face into the keyboard. H`mmmmm .. we will see about that...... jjjjfrrioonhggddhbtuyymktreevvnnn

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:30 am
by Suffolk biker
1. The FEMALE always makes the RULES.

2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No MALE can possibly know the RULES.

4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows the RULES she must immediately change some of them.

5. The FEMALE is never wrong.

6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

9. The MALE must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the FEMALE.

10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know wether or not she wants him to angry or upset.

13. The MALE is expected to be a mind reader at all times.

14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by the RULES can’t take the heat, lacks back bone and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.

16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the RULES are null and void.

17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.

18. The MALE must be ready at all times.

Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 4:57 pm
by Smeggypants
Suffolk biker wrote:My missus said if I look at one more porn site again, she will ram my face into the keyboard. H`mmmmm .. we will see about that...... jjjjfrrioonhggddhbtuyymktreevvnnn




:howl: :howl: :howl:

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 1:54 pm
by walkeja
They have opened a Chinese takeaway near me. One of the waiting staff is one legged.
His name Taiwan Chu

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:54 pm
by Smeggypants
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: