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Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 9:18 pm
by Suffolk biker
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What couldpossibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 9:38 pm
by Derek897
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
should be Gardai though, not constables, we dont have constables :) :) :)

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 10:57 pm
by Smeggypants
:rofl: :rofl:

Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:33 pm
by Suffolk biker
Middle age texting codes.

ATD -at the doctors.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on.
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
OMSG -oh my! sorry, gas.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder.


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Re: TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:49 pm
by Suffolk biker
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will"

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 4:15 pm
by Smeggypants
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

TPF Pic n Mix

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 4:26 pm
by Derek897
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: