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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 8:14 pm
by Smeggypants
Over at Smeggy's we have a long running joke thread started by the Late Hurachai. Feel free to add funnies. :) - I'll start.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly r eplied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



.................................................................................................................................


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks- 'Where was
your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the
man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's todger is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you
aware that you are exposing yourself?' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks
down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... 'kin 'ell. ----- My girlfriend's gone too!!!!!'


..................................................................................................................................


Don't know if these are true or not?

Good, even if they are not

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


-------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


----------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:37 am
by Smeggypants
Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes!




:)

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:17 pm
by bettyswolloks
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He was furious.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 11:32 pm
by Smeggypants
I've been trying to turn my wife on for about an hour, but it just isn't happening.

I'd better go and find a nurse who knows how to work the life support machine.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 12:59 am
by aliengrove
A true aviation story, disproving the theory that German's don't have a sense of humour...

Frankfurt Airport has a curfew ending at 6 in the morning, and often trans-atlantic flights arrive just before the airport opens. I was flying freight at the time, and our schedule also was around this time. One morning we were in the hold, shortly after the curfew had ended, waiting out turn for the approach, when we heard an American voice asking how long he would be holding. When the controller told him he was number 10 for landing, the Yank asked him
"Have you any idea how much fuel this aircraft burns holding at 8000 feet?"
"Confirm you are a B747-200?" the controller asked him.
"That's affirmative" the guy replied, evidently thinking he'd made an impression.
"Surely your flight engineer should be able to tell you how much fuel you're burning, then?", the controller replied, before vectoring another aircraft for the approach.

_________________________

And an apocryphal story from the same airport, in the 1950's

An aircraft from the UK has just landed, and switches to Ground Control.
"Are you familiar with Frankfurt?" the controller asks, hoping to avoid a, lengthy description of the taxi route
"I came here several times a few years ago" the pilot replies "but I didn't stop."

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:37 am
by 3rd Party Battery
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him “This is all in your mind” and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ’123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witchdoctor “What happens when it’s over?” The witchdoctor says “All you or your partner has to say is ’1234′ and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”


The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123,” and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ’123′ for?”

;wave: :D :rofl:

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 6:43 am
by Jim-w
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner when a police car drives by
1st prostitute says " have you ever been pulled by the fuzz?"
2nd prostitute "no, but I've been swung around by the tits"

:)

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:01 am
by Smeggypants
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a streaker ran by!




One had a stroke!


The other couldn't reach!






[I'll get me coat! :oops: :D ]

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:59 am
by Smeggypants
Q. How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:00 am
by Smeggypants
For his birthday little Joe asked for a 10 speed bike his dad said son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it. The next day the dad saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase so he asked where are you going? Little Joe told him I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike !

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 9:32 pm
by Judderman62
After examining the mans wife a doctor turns and says to the husband:

"I don't like the look of your wife"

Husband replies:

"Neither do I , but she's a good cook and the kids seem to quite like her"

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:49 pm
by Smeggypants
^^^ :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Image

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:50 pm
by Judderman62
^^^ yes like it :thumb:

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:48 pm
by Smeggypants
TANJOOBERRYMUTTS








By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"..and be ready for China.



Now, here goes...




The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...


Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"




Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!




:D :D :D :D

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:35 am
by Smeggypants
I don't understand what is wrong with you people.

You're all making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.